Life is truly meaningless

29 may

hmm...i tot of writing in my own blog.
but i think some things i cant really post in my own blog
coz i realise that ppl love to read blog and they really read it.
the next day i will know.

so i decided to write here instead.
hmm. laila (sounds like you're now my penpal...LOL)
is it true that friends which are close
and when they found out sth that the other person has did sth wrong
they sometimes wont really tell them straight or even secretly or even when they are alone ?

this close friend of mine (A) is doing this.i'm not sure is it that she cant bear to tell me at all.
its like people who are not close to me actually tell me that there's wrong w me (eg.u always talk like a kid leh.cant u speak or sing like a 19 yrs old)

(A) knew it long ago. But, A did not tell me. When other ppl "shoot" me, den A added "ya loh, didnt i told u already". its like she's not helping me at all.
haiz.
maybe my ears are really failing. i just feel bits of anger at that moment. but i held back my emotions (controlling)

in fact, ever since i joined my music school.
i think i learnt a lot of things, realised and changed a lot.

Learnt:
-singing techniques
-coordinate body movement & interaction with audience
-make-up
-smile w camera
-dress sense
-speak clearly
-deal sw promoting
-deals w setbacks, failure
-organise events
-positive person
-learn to relax body and voice when singing
-stage performances
-handle competitions

Realised
-lots of logic about life
-change mindset abt abnormals
-understand more about myself: bad habits -talking & singing [kid's voice], naggy, weird dress sense, no style, did not filter photos before posting [more aware of other's feelings]
-understand the situation and how to solve it in a much better way
-be more attentive & sensitive about other's feelings
-be more observant
-too much stress can kill me
-postive towards critisize and everything -keep myself happy all the way

-Changes
i think i've tried my best to change from what i have "learnt".
i've not done all very well.
i'm trying hard.
i will use the never give up attitude to keep it "running".

however, i realised that
i'm too focused on ms.
i've neglected family and school work.
this is my last year.
i keep missing morning classes.
no attendence (if fall below 75%, it will affect grades)
i could not wake, slept late, sometimes home late, i think i stay at ms too long
i really dun have priorties and self-control.
i'm always late
i dun have good time management.
i'm not good at sports, i dunno how to swim !
even those leisure ones like bowling, pool, i'm also not good
i dun have nice & presentable clothes
i am not observant
my handwriting and signature not nice
i;m slow coming up w design
i seem to keep apologising to ppl

whatever things i've done is all not right.
i hate my ears(not sensitive to the music),
face (pimples),
teeth (two front teeth think needs braces)
nose (not sensitive enough)
limbs (not flexible, fast, strong)
brain (not quick-witted, process is super slow and memory is super poor)
mouth (not good at smiling & talking)

i seem to hate myself at all.
what's gg on ?
laila...................................HELP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Life is truly meaningless to me